Parable of the Porcupine

On a cold winter’s night, a group of porcupines huddled together for warmth.  When they got too close, though, they stuck each other with their quills.  This made them move away from each other.  When they got too far away, they got cold again, so they moved back closer in.  The trick was to find the optimum balance between closeness and distance, so that they could enjoy the warmth without feeling the quills. (I think this parable was first told by Arthur Schopenhauer).

Yesterday I enjoyed meeting with my study group. We meet once a month and study a book together – a different book each year having to do with Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST). If you want to know about BFST, check it out at http://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/theory.html  I've been thinking about the porcupine parable and my study group, and BFST.

BFST addresses two opposing forces:  togetherness and individuality.  We feel the pull of both of these.  If we have too much togetherness, we become “fused” and we fail to become our own “selves.”  Eventually, we start to poke each other with our quills.  If we have too much individuality, we become distant, cutoff, estranged from those we need for warmth.  Balance is what we need.

I see this in Jesus’ life when I read the Gospel of Mark.  There was an ebb and flow.  He would be surrounded by people at times, and he would go off to a deserted place at other times.  “That evening, after the sun was down, they brought sick and evil-afflicted people to him, the whole city lined up at his door!  He cured their sick bodies and tormented spirits... [and then later] “While it was still night, way before dawn, he got up and went out to a secluded spot and prayed.  Simon and those with him went looking for him.  They found him and said, ‘Everybody’s looking for you.’  Jesus said, ‘Let’s go to the rest of the villages so I can preach there also.  This is why I’ve come.’” (Mark 1:32-38 MSG)    

Jesus showed perfect balance.  He knew when to draw near, and he knew when to steal away.  He didn’t allow others’ “everybody’s looking for you” to dictate his balance.  He defined himself.  Murray Bowen would have been proud.

This balance that Jesus lived - and BFST talks about -  I struggle with.  I am a work in progress.  I confess it.  Sometimes I get it right, and sometimes I miss it.  Sometimes I don’t realize until I shiver that I am missing the warmth of togetherness, and sometimes I bleed from being poked by the quills of others.  But there are some days when the balance is there.  Just close enough – not too close – a separate self, still connected to those I love…  Ahhhh.